4 Reasons that Teens Feel Unseen

Beth Jones Author

Our teens have big ideas to share, but often as parents, the simple responses we give can actually shut our teens down.

I see a lot of posts from my friends who have tweens and teens lamenting the fact that they cannot communicate with their teens. They don't want to hang out anymore. Every discussion turns into a fight. Or they simply can't get a word out of their teens.

This is not a new complaint. Our parents suffered with it, as did their parents. And while I can speak to this as a coach and mentor, I know that I will deal with it as a parent in the next few years. It's just part of the parenting journey.

In my personal experience and also from what my teen clients have told me, much of the root cause for this dysfunctional communication is simply because the teen doesn't feel seen and heard. Yesterday I talked about these micro-traumas the can build up over time that lead to this feeling. Our teens often feel that their parent is pushing their own agenda instead of listening to what the teen wants to share. As parents, we're too close. We have been through the teen journey and have some pretty set ideas of what we liked and didn't like about that experience, and especially what we would do differently. It's those ideas of what we would do differently that often push into our conversation with our teens - because we don't want to see them suffer the way that we did. If there's anything we can do as parents to make that journey better, then we're going to do it. We often present the ideas of "listen to me because I've been there and I know", when that's actually not going to be helpful.

When I was a teen, I processed information a lot differently than my parents and siblings. They were "talk it out" (or yell it out) people, and I was more of a quiet reflector. When a situation came up that needed to be addressed by my parents, I often felt that I couldn't get a word in. My sister and I have a joke about some "momisms" that my mom was famous for:

"What did you say? I don't want to hear it!"

"Look at me!! Don't you look at me like that!!"

"Speak up, I can't hear you. Don't you use that tone of voice with me"

We get a good laugh when we reflect on these, but at the same time, I see where some of the disconnects in my teen conversations with my parents started. And it wasn't just my mom. And it wasn't that my parents were bullying me at all, it was just a difference in how we approached conflict conversations and resolution.

I would often start to share my concerns or reply to a question only to be interrupted and shut down. Over time, I learned to simply sit silently until my parents were finished with whatever speech they needed to give me. I would sit, arms crossed, nodding head, rolling eyes. When it was over, I'd give some respectful answers, ask if they were done, and go to my room to think about it all. I wasn't a bad kid and didn't get in trouble much, but these conversations were a strain in my relationship with my parents.

For me, this was a classic example of my feeling unseen in my family. I didn't feel understood and I was given the unintentional message that my ideas and solutions weren't welcome. My parents proposed their solution, which would be followed. The fact that many of these didn't work for me and how my mind functioned was beside the point.

I'm not alone in this. My students have shared similar experiences:

Through my work with teens, I have identified four reasons why teens commonly feel unseen:

Being told their ideas are wrong

Teens' brains are still developing, but one of the amazing parts of the adolescent years is that they can still think like a younger child. Those dreams and visions and the ability to see solutions to problems from a different angle are strong and unpolluted. So, when our teens come to use with a solution that isn't on our list of plans for them, instead of telling them that they are wrong, we need to start supporting them in the development of that idea. We need to let them explore that thought and come to their own conclusion. We can stand by them offering support, and even debate as these are helpful is seeing the many sides of a situation. But we have to step back and allow their ideas to come forth. This is part of how their identity develops.

Being talked over, cut off, dismissed

As an adult, this continues to be one of my biggest pet peeves. I have big ideas still and still am often interrupted when sharing them. By both colleagues, family, and friends. Each time it triggers the 16-year-old me to shut down and be silent. Each interruption is a signal to your teen that their voice is not valued and you are not interested in truly hearing them. Learning to practice active listening techniques with teens is one of the best skills you can develop. Sit and listen. Resist the urge to correct and interrupt, until it is your time to talk. Grab a talking stick if needed - whoever holds the stick has the floor. No one else can comment until the stick is passed on. Sometimes we need these silly tools to retrain our habits.

Not being encouraged to share ideas

Our teens are growing up in a world much different from the one we did. The shifts in technology and culture mean that our teens are experiencing from a different lens. This shifted view is going to naturally lead to new and exciting ideas. When they come up, we need to encourage our teens to share them. Tell us about them, journal about them, literally try building them out. While there are always boundaries that must be established if your teen comes to you wanting to explore something new, why not indulge them. Instead of saying you're too old for that, there's no way that can be done, it's too messy and complicated, why don’t we instead say, "That's interesting. Can you tell me more about how you see this unfolding?" Then bring in that active listening technique to fully hear them and see how you can support the development of these ideas.

Feeling conflicted without a trusted adult to brain dump and brainstorm with

We want to be the go-to adults for our teens, and most of the time we are. However, there are many circumstances where teens don't feel that they can talk to us about certain topics. In these cases, it's important that our teens have a trusted adult to just unleash their thoughts to. This might be a grandparent, a teacher, a coach, a pastor, or another trusted mentor. So, if you feel like the conversations with your teen aren't going as smoothly as you hoped for, why not suggest that they share them with another adult. Support that conversation, trusting that the other adult will share anything that's needed with you. Passing your teen off to another adult isn't failed parenting. It's moving back to that tribe mentality that we no longer have, where adults shared the load of parenting knowing that each interaction gives teens a new perspective to learn and grow from.

In short, reflect back on the conversations you have with your own parents as a teen. What were the experiences that resulted in negative emotions? Which left you feeling trusted and supported? Now, look at the conversations you are having with your own teen and make sure you're also setting up opportunities for them to feel support and having their words respected.

Yes, we often know better as parents. Yes, sometimes we see the painful obstacles ahead on our teens' path, but we have to let our teens walk that path.

Part of the reason I became a teen wellness and mindset coach is because I wanted to use my own experience being the square peg and not feeling seen by my family to help other families. I know that all I wanted was to be recognized for my own unique paths, and the hundreds of teens I've worked with over the years have voiced the same desire. My goal is not only to help give these teens to feel empowered in their voices to step and and be seen, but to also give parents the tools to allow that process to happen.

Letting our teens be the guide on their own journey is one of the most powerful parenting experiences that you can give them. You'll be right with them for support and suggestions when needed, but try to follow as much as you can. You never know what new journey and adventure you could also experience in the process.

Are you ready to learn more? 

Join me for my upcoming webinar, Supporting the Unseen Teen. 

Click here to get on the waitlist and be notified when we go live!

Categories: : mental health, teens, identity